I have not updated this journal since March 8th. Are you serious? Has it really been THAT long?

I need to apologize to all of those people out there who (apparently) will fall over dead if their submission is not accepted within three hours of contribution. I have news for you guys: There's life outside dA. Please relax. Getting irate will only make me ignore you. Now. I don't mean you folks who just can't seem to catch a break on your submissions, because yes: I have not been on here at ALL hardly to accept anything. I am genuinely sorry that I simply don't have the time I used to have. Other people though? PLEASE relax, okay? Take a shower or something.

Can you tell I'm tired and just don't give a fuck? I do miss you guys though. The people, I miss. The drama? Forget it.

Life has been a little hard on me lately. Obviously I've been busy. Since graduation I spent a lot of my summer working on projects at the Grove (painting, reorganizing) and running TheArcher777 to work and back due to her very-dead-vehicle. She, however, has since moved back to NY for a time before the big haul to Scotland for a year. (If her visa decides to work. Otherwise she'll go next year I think.)

I got a new job with Lifetouch doing senior portraits. It pays me enough to finally meet most of my expenses, but the hours are long, the labor is physical, and my body hates me. I do that thing where I lift with my legs, not my back....but my neck doesn't seem to know that. Last week I think I worked 62 hours. This week who knows. It does mean my temper is a lot shorter when one has to be up at 4:30 in the morning to be to work by 5:30. (or earlier) dA isn't exactly the place I go to hang out in a stress free environment. @.@ There hasn't been much in the way of new art from me lately due to the fact that my laptop's HD bit the dust. I should be able to replace it soon. No artistic outlet has left me doing strange things. Like needlepoint. I'll show you pics of that when I'm through with it.

Also also, in addition to my necklace making, job doing, food cooking, roleplaying (which, by the way, has largely come to a screeching halt), writing, cleaning, ritual planning, doing ADF things, starting my clergy training program, energy training...I have had zero time to shoot stock. I am in the process of rewriting some of the SHARDS material so we can get that stuff together. I was writing for our friends group initially, and now I have to write for a bigger audience. Yeesh.

In other words, I'll see you guys in the fall. D: Hopefully sooner though. Hope. Hope.

*flail*
I've got way too many projects in the works. Now to find some pretty things on dA that deserve a feature spot and more of your time than I do.

I was just wondering-- on average how much hate mail do you guys get on dA? It seems to me that I receive a disproportionate amount of angry letters, insults, threats, etc no matter what I do.

That's one of the things dA has taught me-- you're not going to please all of the people all of the time. Not everyone is going to agree with you or even understand what you're saying. No one has any respect for anyone else on the internet because it is the internet. I highly doubt anyone would be stupid enough to say these things to my face.

Also, not everyone is going to understand your tone when you are typing because it is type and it does not contain much in the way of tonal indicators.

Aaaanyway, the haters are gonna hate. That's always the danger of being in charge of something, having -gasp- standards, and the balls to say 'no'.

Onto the stuff I actually WANTED to talk about:

Mom's surgery went well they think. They had a lot of trouble waking her up, though and they wound up removing two lymphnodes from her at the same time. We just got the results of those back today and they were clean and clear. Best news I've heard all day. Still no word on her treatments, or if she will be getting any. We shall see. Thanks for all of your support on this, guys. It means a lot.

In other news, I both completed my ADF Dedicant program AND got Reiki I certified within the last week. I'm excited to finally have all of that work officially done and accepted so that I can move on into other study areas.

Following a 3 day period of meditation and journey working, I have decided to apply for the CTP. We'll see how that goes, too.

It doesn't matter what I do: whenever I turn around there are more things changing and shifting.

Perhaps one of these days these changes may shift me away from dA entirely. The place has become overrun with self-important assholes.

School is going well enough. I've learned an awful lot from my self defense teacher and got a 91.5% on my last math test. For those of you that don't know, math is essentially my academic Waterloo. I can't bear it, but I'm trying my damndest to pass the class so I can graduate this semester.

I can sense some definite time conflicts in the future though-- my schooling and my "job" tend to disagree on who gets to have me for which times. Baseball season is starting up, so it's likely I'll be running myself into the ground in April/May. Coupling school with work and my Grove/spiritual responsibilities and you basically get a picture of what my schedule looks like.

But hey! If I DO graduate this spring, that means my Sacred Vow will be fulfilled and I can start eating meat again! I know, I know. I'm so weird.

I thought I'd make a journal update, but I'm finding that there's just too much to keep up with. I didn't want to make things too public by posting it in my stock account, so I figured I'd stick something up here.

I've not been very active, though I have been making concerted efforts to keep up with club submissions and the like. I'm no longer excited about stock art. Or rather, I am no longer excited about sharing it here-- I still love doing it because we have so much fun. Unfortunate.

In the life of me, my friends and myself are in a boxing match with the powers that be and the human race in general. TheArcher777's car just got plowed by a plow yesterday. Hit and run; her car was parked. So far they didn't take responsibility for it and the leasing office is nervously avoiding contact. Zulias got jumped outside of his apartment and had his car stolen in the same move. (this was in January) Spent a few hours in the hospital, but has healed well and is back to his bouncy self. They found the car, but I'm not sure about any further deets.

My father got engaged to a woman I've never met, and didn't inform half of his offspring. Not sure what's going on there, but I'm just too worn out to get worked up over it anymore. My mother was diagnosed with breast cancer on Tuesday. She has two malignant growths in her breast, and they're scheduled to take those out on March 1st. Of course, she's terrified. I don't think my dad knows.

I'm not sharing this stuff because I'm bored or want support or anything--they are just things that I have been going through that have attracted my attention elsewhere and I know that some of you guys wanted to know. I'm holding it together; I have faith that everything is as it is meant to be for some reason or another. It just sucks to be an empathic individual, because that can get emotionally overwhelming fast.

I know that if I write too much, I'll lose some of you guys that are reading. This is where my entry might get weird though, so hop off now or buckle down.

I'm having some interesting dreams, and I am starting to understand what they symbolize for me. I know that the worst is yet to come, and I need to brace myself for it. It's strange to have that information. This will probably sound totally nuts too, but I've been seeing things too. Visions. Gut feelings. Things that have happened or will happen, or are significant enough for me to see. I don't know what to call it exactly. I was one of those freaky kids that saw ghosts when she was little and never lost the ability. I am sure there are a couple many-lettered words in the psychological community for people like me. I'm just sensitive to stuff.

Quite frankly, I think it's sad that more people don't talk openly about this sort of thing. I know a lot of people who are sensitive to human energies/chi/energies of a place/other entities. As human beings, we have the ability and have bred it out of ourselves for so long. As we are still animals, we cannot kill all instinct.

I guess what I'm saying is those of you guys out there that are going through the same thing and have been for years, you're not alone. And it's frustrating and scary and you question your sanity every other step of the way, but it's just a part of being human.

My challenge has been the ability to walk the line between legitimate concern and plain old paranoia. I'm getting much better at it.

If anyone has an interest in artistic renderings of some of the weirdass visions I've had, let me know please. I don't know if that's something you guys are interested in or not. I have also been considering other Mage fanarts: Paths and Orders. (Since I already did 7th sea ) If there's interest in that, I may just do that.

I miss you guys.

-Ash


P.S. Enough about Pandora. We have a beautiful planet already; stop fucking it up.

What a year. I lost my mind nothing short of five or six times, only to realize that I'd never really had it to begin with. There were wins, and there were losses, and altogether I feel that it's been a productive year.

The Good:
I was accepted back into school, and I got all A's this Fall semester.
I was elected onto the Witan (board) of my local Grove (read that as "church") (Biiiig responsibility. Am nervous, but optimistic.)
I am three short essays from completing my Dedicant Program
I have written 9 bumpy chapters of a rough draft of the story I'm writing
I opened a literature account despite my reservations and extreme nervousness
I have many dear friends I am thankful for.
I have actually begun selling prints of my artwork and crafts; something I thought impossible.
I am entirely confident in my relationship with my husband. We went through a rough patch, but have been leagues closer ever since.
I am also entirely confident in my spirituality, as unorthodox as it may seem to many.
I am closer to my goal of getting my photography business off the ground.
I have not been sick since June. ( knock on wood D: )
Saw my first real meteor shower on the beach with my sisters and friends I hadn't seen in a while. Utterly Magical.

The Bad:
My dad has fallen into a deep depression and will not speak to his family. He has refused to attend Xmas dinner that we had planned to prepare just for him. In a sense, I've lost my father. Again.
We've sold my Grandmother's house. A blessing and a curse.
Bill's mother is in rapid decline and can no longer move. We don't know how long she will last.
The Guinness factory in Dublin burnt down. Holy shit, there's gonna be an uprising.
Lots of awkwardness between friend circles. Some people just can't let go.
Had to remove my work from Amarli-stock due to copyright infringement.
Poured 2k into my stupid car, and it's still not fixed.

The Ugly:
Have battled financial aid twice this year. So much undue stress it's unreal.
I attend school with some of the stupidest motherfuckers alive.
Parking at my school is impossible and their policies are asinine.
I still have a ton of medical bills, and school loans.
My social security and bank cards were stolen.
I can't really ever seem to get ahead and stay there a while.
Having to clear out a storage facility of my Grandmother's things before the holidays was heartwrenching.
I'm still holding a lot of anger and grief inside me.
Launched dAPagan as a group. Whoah, Nellie.
I'm kindof a huge fan of Lady Gaga. Who'd have thought?


All in all, I think the good has outweighed the bad, even though the bad has taken a heavier emotional toll.

Right now, I plan to graduate in the Spring with a Bachelor of Science degree. While on Financial Aid probation, I had to somehow bring up my percentage of credits attempted vs credits earned up from a 60% to 67% in one semester. Can't be done unless I tripled my course load, which they didn't allow me to do. I also could not repeat courses or withdraw, nor could I fail. I finished the semester and got my grades last night: All A's, but it only brought my percentage to 64%. I spent the morning haggling with Financial Aid, and was able to get the aid I needed despite the percentage. I'm so happy I could cry. In fact, I might later since I'm still an emotional wreck.

Now I have to focus on the upcoming year though. I still have that &^(ing math class ahead of me, and one more crew. If I can get both, I am so out of there in Spring. Then it's job searching to support Bill and I (and pay off my bills! D: )

Believe me, come May 2010, there's going to be a celebration like no other.

How is everyone else doing this year? Take it or leave it?

My friends: Thank you for your support. I don't know how I would have gotten through September without you all. Through your contributions and purchases, I was able to get to and from class, afford parking and school supplies, and keep up with my goals. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I really needed to just word vomit how badly I felt and you guys really made me feel as though I could be comfortable just letting it out without worrying that I'd be judged or condemned for it. Thank you.

And just when things were going awesomely in the upper direction, my car breaks down. You know-- that thing that gets me to and from school and work and everything? I'm doing everything I can to get Caca Fuego back onto the pavement, but that's on hold until my school decides to issue the rebate check they owe me for the textbooks I needed a month ago. (Awesome work, Towson U!) Yay, yay, yay! Car's gonna cost me about 1600 dollars just to get things moving. In the meantime, my friends have been little messenger angels, distributing me in various parts of the state as necessary. I owe some serious brownies.

The Bar Mitzvah I shot was an absolute blast. The family was very kind, and it was the first time I think I've had genuine fun while working. I'd definitely do that again. In other photography news, it seems that all of a sudden I'm forming neat little photographer ties and now have two more weddings to shoot from now til May, and have a couple other contacts to get in touch with.

And in other news, my family accepted an offer on my Grandmother's house. The settlement is October 24th. Heartbroken is an understatement.

Aaaaaand I'm writing again, but who cares! A lot of my focus has been occupied by Samhain ritual planning. Seriously overextending myself here on the one high rite a year planning thing. At least there will be pumpkins.



Apparently Pluto switched houses tonight? I'm a mess and I'm rambling.





While I'm rambling I better mention that my cousin got hitched this weekend, and it was beautiful. I had to keep reminding myself I wasn't working though, and to dance more and take photos less. Regardless, the new groom family addition fella seems really nice. They're probably almost as geeky as I am. They had Halo figurines on their wedding cake.








Did I mention it was an Oktoberfest wedding? Provst!